Silent Sunday......Time

Seventeen Years

I like to think that I show you the true me here in this space and I know that I share stuff here that I wouldn’t talk about with anyone apart from my closest friends. I’m still cautious though. I keep these high walls built up around me that have been there for many years.  Occasionally you’ll see a chink of the ‘me’ that I keep hidden away but it’s quite rare. Don’t be offended lovelies.....I keep that ‘me’ hidden from everyone even the people that I love.

My Dad is a subject that I broach VERY rarely. Again this is something that I don’t talk about here.....I don’t talk about him ever. I did write a post about him last year but it was so painful that I was reluctant to do it again. I was looking through some new blogs today when I stumbled across Lori. Her husband committed suicide in January and she’s been writing very honestly about her feelings since then. Reading through her blog it struck me how very similar my feelings were to hers but she’s speaking out and trying to help people and I’m not. I don’t even tell people that my Dad committed suicide as though it’s a bad reflection on me. I guess it’s all about rejection.

I can’t believe that it has been 17 years since he died.  Although the pain is still there it’s obviously nowhere near as raw as it was then but mainly because I have completely shut it out. I have spent the last 17 years hating my Dad. And I mean hating him with a passion. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that before. I don’t think anyone has ever asked.  They just assumed that I did miss him.

I hate him for doing it, for leaving us, for ruining my late teens and early 20’s, for making me hate him for 17 years, for tearing my family apart, for having to visit him in the chapel of rest, for the devastation that followed us around for years,  for ruining my 18^th birthday plans by having to deal with a funeral instead of planning the best party ever, for breaking my Grandma’s heart, for not being here for the birth of my daughter, for making me cry rivers of tears even now as I type this.

It’s a very rare occasion that I make it to the cemetery because going would mean that I gave a fuck and for many years I was determined not to. He showed no care or thought for us when he killed himself so why should I care now he’s not here. I’m sure that many of you (if you’ve made reading it this far) think that I’m being completely irrational and you know what I probably am but I will never, ever forgive him for doing it. I understand now that he was ill and I knew that he was very unhappy at the time but that won’t ever make it ok for me.

Recently though I think I’ve started to let it go. On Christmas Eve I was at (yet) another funeral and went to see my Dad, Grandma & Grandad who are all buried next to each other. For the first time in a long time I admitted to myself that I missed my Dad. Then broke down and cried for the rest of the day. Maybe it was a cathartic healing....I’m not sure. I know that I had a very emotional Christmas and my family thought I was on the edge of a breakdown! Since then though, I feel that I’ve thawed a little so maybe I have had a breakthrough in admitting that I miss him. I’ve started talking to Chick about him just by bringing stuff up in conversation. I’ve even managed to look at some photos of him and my Mum together and I didn’t feel hate just sadness.

As regards to the rest of it I’m not sure how to go about beginning to let the walls down. Will it happen naturally when someone amazing comes along that is worth me letting in? I’m not sure but I do know that it will probably never be easy and letting men in won’t ever come naturally. I don’t want to be dealing with these issues for the rest of my life but it will always be a part of who I am and what makes me the fucked up girl I am today. I am determined though that it won’t make me bitter or rule my life any more. 

eyePad Review and Dodo Pad 50% off discount code!!!

As you know I'm being sponsored by the lovely people over at Dodo Pad to go to CyberMummy. A few weeks ago they sent me their newest product, the very cool eyePad:

The eyePad is a funky little notepad that is similar to a very popular mobile phone!!! It's a great size to have in your handbag or on the telephone table for note taking. I would love to say that I keep it in my handbag and use it for scribbling stuff down but I managed to keep hold of it for the grand total of 10 seconds before Chick stole it away from me!! She has pretended that it's her mobile, filled most of the pages with doodles and told everyone how great it is! I think I'm going to have to buy in bulk and put them in her party bags in November as it definitely has the cool factor.

Do you fancy buying one for yourself?? Well the Dodelightful people at Lord Dodo HQ have agreed that you, my lovely readers, can have 50% off their products* until 5pm on Friday, 25th February. You just need to enter the code AP10 at checkout!!! Happy Shopping!!! The best thing is that they ship all over the world so all of my readers can get involved and bag a bargain :-)

*A couple of products are excluded from this offer as are sale items. Disclosure - As stated Lord Dodo sent me an eyePad and are also sponsoring me to go to CyberMummy.

London & The Baby Show

Chick and I are both night owls so when we had to get up at the crack of dawn on Friday to catch the train to London we were both really cheerful!!!! We don't get the train very often mainly because it's just so damn expensive but we'd been invited to a blogging event (which I tell you all about next week) and I thought it may be nicer than driving. It appears though that Chick gets really travel sick on the train so we probably won't be doing it again!!!

Once in London we had time to grab a quick breakfast at Kings Cross before heading to the lovely house where the blogging event was held.......around the corner from where George Michael lives no less!!! Waiting at the tube station was our very own taxi driver, dressed in what appeared to be cashmere and looking like a model...yum!!

So we did the event and when we left there was a whole fleet of what looked like chauffeur driven cars (but were actually taxis) waiting to spirit us all away to the baby show, each with our name in it. Now I've never been chauffeur driven before (what with being poor and everything) but oh my goodness what a way to travel. If ever I win the lottery the first thing I will do is hire a chauffeur!!! We got to share our car with the lovely Claire from 20 Something Mum, who is absolutely hilarious!!! I think that we certainly entertained our driver with tales of the blogging world!!!

Off to the Baby Show we went. I've never been to one before and I have to say that it was mainly under whelming but I think that's most probably because that phase of my life is most certainly over!!! The most exciting part of the Baby Show was being given a press pass for the event:

When I was getting all of our stuff together the night before, I had looked on the website to see what having a press pass involved. Basically the info said that we had our own room with refreshments laid out and a list of timings when we could meet any celebrities that may be around!!! That all sounds pretty impressive right? 

Erm.....yeah! Not so much as it turns out! It was all true and there was a room that was just for us but it was about the size of a broom cupboard and there were sandwiches and stuff but I thought it would have looked kind of rude for me to dive in and there wasn't a celebrity to be seen!!!  The press people were lovely and friendly though and they did let all of us dump our stuff there whilst we were wondering around. I think that I was expecting far too much :-)

I got to meet some of the Companies that I've worked with and have done giveaways with previously and got to hang out with some of my blogging girlies: Jen, Carol, Vic and this is me and Emma from Me, the Man and Baby:

As usual I tortured Chick and made her pose for pictures.....looks like she hates it!!!:

If you are pregnant or have young babies then I'm sure that you would love the Baby Show. All of the big guns were there but amongst them were some smaller stalls. Some selling tat but also some fabulous products.  The product that Chick and I both liked best were the Happy Hopperz bouncers. They are space hoppers but shaped as cows, dogs, reindeers and horses! We love them and are hoping to be able to write a proper review of them at some point:

Once we were all done with the baby show Chick and I had a few minutes outside running around like lunatics and posing for pictures:

We just had time for a quick stop at our favourite park before heading back on the train. It's a park that we discovered quite by accident last year and is about the same size as our garden but it's location is awesome. It's on the corner of a really busy road that leads to Tower Bridge and is opposite the Tower of London. I love that Chick can run around and get rid of some energy whilst I watch London rush past. It's quite a tranquil and green corner of the City even though it's on such a busy road and I love to watch the Tourists and the workers go about their business whilst thinking that I've still never actually been round the Tower of London and also marvelling at the new Shard building which is going to be quite a sight when it's finished!!!

With that thought in mind and after a great day we head back to our own little square of Leicestershire.

*Disclosure - I haven't been sponsored to mention Happy Hopperz or the Baby Show. Chick and I were however given free tickets to the Baby Show courtesy of Biss Lancaster who also paid our train fare.