Thursday 29 October 2009

Letting Go!!!!

I’m struggling this week. Chick is sick again and had to be picked up from school early but I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with her. This girl of mine that never sleeps slept for the whole afternoon and when she wasn’t sleeping she was crying because her head hurts (and as I started writing this she promptly threw up all over the couch....poor little thing). Another trip to the Doctors tomorrow...let’s hope it’s not more Swine Flu!!

I also injured myself this week in another parking incident with my car. No I don’t need glasses and I’m not a bad driver my parking just sucks. I wasn’t properly looking around me when I was reversing (rather too quickly) carefully in the dark and in a hurry as usual. I may have clipped a rather large kerb at some speed which has resulted in Whiplash. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it mentioned before what a Son of a Bitch whiplash actually it hurts. So now I’m popping pain killers like there is no tomorrow and smell delightfully of deep heat but on the plus side the damn car is fine!!

The thing that I am struggling with the most though is Chick’s Dad (again!!!) He told me several weeks ago that his girlfriend is pregnant. (Just to clarify my taste in men sucks big time!) So this will be child number 3 by woman number 3 (I was the first and obviously the best!!) and I hate how badly this reflects on my choice in men but that’s a whole different blog waiting to written. Anyways, I think he knew by my reaction that I wasn’t overly impressed with his news. You see it’s a relatively new thing him being involved in Chick’s life and although I’m happy for her sake he’s involved I would be quite happy not to see him at all. I’m trying really hard to make it all as nice as possible but I have all this emotion that I don’t know what to do with and I need to find a way of letting it all go.

I believe that he thinks everything is fine and that he is good at his role as
Chick’s Dad but I’m all 30 minutes a week does not make you anywhere near a good Father. I deal with the other 10,080 minutes in the week as well as all the financial stuff (he doesn’t contribute at all) and the school stuff and all the everything else stuff that you deal with as a Parent. So when he told me about this (unplanned) pregnancy although I wasn’t shocked I was ? I don’t even know what I think. I came to the conclusion that it isn’t really any of my business and as long as he keeps seeing Chick and she’s happy then I should be fine. So I’d convinced myself that it would all be fine and it was until yesterday when they went public with the news.

Obviously in this day and age going public means they both had it as their Facebook status. Again this is fine and none of my business apart from the fact that he hasn’t yet explained any of this to Chick or Child number 2 or Woman number 2.....way to go big guy! Now I know that we have friends in common that will probably mention it next time I see them so what do I do now? Tell Chick? Leave it to chance and hope nobody says anything? See now it is my problem and I’m annoyed that it’s my problem! I’ve also discovered after having it all bouncing around my brain all night that my main emotion regarding the whole thing is jealousy!

Yep that’s right jealousy!

Horrible, horrible emotion but probably not for the reasons you think. I don’t want to be with him and I’m glad that he’s happy with his girlfriend. It’s not the fact that she’s pregnant because to be honest I can’t think of anything worse and I’m gonna stick with it being just Chick and I.

I guess I’m jealous that they are happily pregnant because I didn’t get that. No siree. Chick was a huge surprise for me and having a baby was a big deal. He was never interested and so I did EVERYTHING on my own or with the help of MY family and friends. My family helped me buy all the stuff that I needed, they took care of me when I was sick for the middle five months of being pregnant, my brother came to the hospital visits with me and I went to the scans on my own. When Chick was born it was only my family that put announcements in the paper and again helped take care of me and Chick.

When he had child number two his family helped with everything that I’ve described above and put announcements in the paper and that’s great except when I saw that in the paper my heart broke a little bit. Partly for Chick but mainly I just felt sorry for my own ass. So now here we are again going through exactly the same motions, like bringing a child into the world isn’t a big deal. Well I’m sorry but for me it’s a HUGE deal and I’m not going to get all that being nicely pregnant stuff EVER so excuse me if I don’t join in the Congratulations.

I do however feel like a weight’s been lifted just writing about it so maybe I can start to let it go and eventually maybe I’ll be able to join in with genuinely congratulating them. Now I’m gonna shut down the computer, have a last 5 minute pity party and then go snuggle with Chick and remind myself how damn lucky I am to have her. No matter what happens with him and his ever growing brood at least I am sound in the knowledge that if nothing else I provide her with unconditional love and stability.


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