Tuesday 20 July 2010

Crash & Burn

Today I crashed and burned!  I’ve known for a while that it was coming but my steps to try and stop it from happening were too little too late!!  Every six months or so this happens.  I know that I do too much and that I don’t say no often enough but for some reason I feel compelled to live life at 100 miles an hour.

This last weekend was my first at home in what seems like forever and because I’ve been gone decided that I needed to catch up with some of my real life friends and sleep.  I managed to catch up with a couple of people (who still feel like I’m not making an effort) and also saw my Grandma for her 81st birthday and visited my beautiful new cousin in hospital!!  All of which is amazing but still resulted in me running around like an idiot and not sleeping.

I try to avoid talking about work but the last month has been horrendous.  I don’t think there has been a single day when I haven’t had back to back meetings or full interview days. Obviously I’m paid to do this and can’t complain too much but to say it’s been busy would be a HUGE understatement.  Factor in on top of this five weekends away from home (CyberMummy, Bon Jovi  and other stuff that I just can’t remember!!) blogging and my poor neglected Chick and I’m properly and completely knackered.

Last night I went to a bar-b-q.  I had a lovely relaxing time sitting around talking and giggling with friends and then in the night started being sick.  I could blame the food but actually I hadn’t had any and I know it’s my body telling me to slow down.  Today I’ve sat in front of the TV and done nothing really apart from think, although I’m not sure this is a good thing!!

Why do I feel the need to live my life at 100 miles an hour? I don’t know is my honest answer.

Maybe it’s because I still have the childlike need to not miss out on anything?!  Maybe I’m supposed to live fast, die young and all that jazz???  Maybe I get it from my Mum who can’t sit still for a single minute! Maybe some of it is not dealing with my issues from the past and stuff that’s happened in my life and if I stop rushing around for more than 5 minutes then they start seeping into my head! Maybe it’s being pulled in a million different directions by life?

Whatever it is I have to deal with it now.  I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I’ve been having random panic attacks for a while but they are getting worse and are now so bad that each time they happen I’m convinced I’m going to die. I don’t have the energy to do anything.....probably because I’m not eating properly.   I don’t know exactly how I’m going to deal with it now but I’m going to start by tidying the house and going for a run!  A good run used to help me get everything into perspective and I feel that’s what I’m missing right now....apart from a good night’s sleep of course!!!!

I feel the need to add:  I know I’m lucky to have a job, an amazing child, a roof over our heads and generally a brilliant life....I’m just having a really rough day!!!
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